Alfred Homosexual talks about snooker

An ode to Steve Davis and John Parrott

Well hello, Mr Fox, with your big bushy tail,
Dining on a dinner of pheasant and quail.
But watch your back, you’ll need all your cunning:
A man wants your tail, it’s time to start running! 

Along comes Steve, of snooker fame -
I think we can guess his sneaky game.
He wants the tail, so fluffy and big
To help him fashion his snooker wig.  

But it’s not just Steve who’s a thieving tadger -
Parrott’s hair is from a friendly badger.
Brock doesn’t mind, it’s an adrenaline rush,
Because his brother’s only a shaving brush.

The squirrels and mice arrest the pair,
Ignoring their cries that “It’s not fair”.
It’s animal prison for nasty old Steve,
While the lovely JP gets an owl’s reprieve. 

So John goes free while Steve’s in jail,
His spindly legs looking ever more frail.
It just goes to show that it pays to be nice,
To foxes, badgers, squirrels and mice.

2012 Snooker World Championships - Part Two

Hello. Alfred Homosexual here again, with part two of my Snooker World Championships preview!

Mark Williams v Liu Chuang

The sing-song lilt of Welshman Williams against a young man from the far east. Like with Wenbo, it is hard for me to choose against Chuang because of my young friends in Thailand. But Mark is from Wales and I’ve always loved a miner, so he is my choice for this round and my Thai friends will have to accept it. I’m always willing to stare controversy in the face and stick out my tongue.

Ronnie O’Sullivan v Peter Ebdon

This is an exciting match for me! Mr O’Sullivan likes it fast, whilst Mr Ebdon takes things slowly. Knee trembling snooker or tantric fun - which do you prefer? Peter Ebdon’s shiny head reminds me of my shaved body, which is nice. But Ronnie is so exciting to watch, running around and bending all over the place. I think I must pick Mr O’Sullivan for this match, but I hope that it goes to a decider so that I can spend lots of time examining Mr Ebdon’s shiny head to work out how he gets it so smooth.

Martin Gould v David Gilbert

I like Martin Gould with his little glasses and his pretty shrew face. I don’t really know much about David Gilbert, except I think he has a parting in his hair which looks very smart, and makes him look a bit like Superman. He should dress up in some blue lycra one day to see how he looks, I think we’d all like to see that. 

I am going to choose little Martin Gould for this match.

Neil Robertson v Ken Doherty

Neil has a new hair cut that makes him look like a little boy! He looks very smart I think. Ken Doherty has a lovely voice and says “tree” instead of “three” which I imagine could be very confusing sometimes. I’m going to choose Neil because of his lovely curls. 

Ding Junhui v Ryan Day

I think that this is the battle of the two teddy bears. They’re both very cuddly boys. Because I said Liu Chuang would lose, I am going to restore the balance by saying that Mr Ding will win this match. I hope he doesn’t fall asleep though! I can give him a little prod to help wake him up if required.

Mark Allen v Cao Yupeng

Who is Cao Yupeng? One of my Thai friends is called Cao Tippa, so I recognise the name as being from the far east. But Mark Allen is such a gritty lad isn’t he? And I do like the way his lip opens a bit on one side when he plays a shot. It’s like a little invitation to pop something in there! I think gritty Mr Allen will win this match.

Matthew Stevens v Marco Fu

I like Marco Fu. He looks like a masculine Gok Wan. And Matthew Stevens does funny things with his lips when things don’t go right for him. I do that as well, so I can empathise with him. Sometimes he has a little quiff, which looks nice. Perhaps he should breed with Luca Brecel and produce Tintin! I want Marco Fu to read this, because his lips make me feel nice.

Mark Selby v Barry Hawkins

Mr Selby is a smart young man. He looks like he is from the 1940s sometimes, with his brown shoes. Barry Hawkins can look a bit grumpy sometimes, which is a shame as I’m sure he’s got a lovely smile. I think for Mark Selby to win it would be a victory for people who like the 1940s, and all those smart men in uniform who were around at the time. Yes, Mr Selby to win this one.

That concludes my 2012 preview! I hope you enjoyed reading it. You can follow me on Twitter if you want to tell me what you thought!

2012 Snooker World Championships - Part One

Hello.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Alfred Homosexual. Before you ask I should inform you that it is, of course, not my real name!

I was christened “Ian Homosexual” but was mercilessly bullied at school because of it and so changed my name by deed poll when I was nineteen.

I am also not a homosexual! Oh no. I am a perfectly straight gentleman who enjoys watching young men play snooker. I do not play myself, but do enjoy frequenting local snooker clubs to watch the keen young men practicing.

I have decided to start my snooker blog with a preview of the World Championships. This will not be a smut-infested, disgusting style beloved by the so-called “Snoopies” on other websites on the internet, but a well-researched piece of work into the chances of the various individuals who will be bending over the Crucible snooker tables in the coming weeks.

John Higgins -v- Liang Wenbo

Mr Higgins is affectionately known as the “Wizard of Wishaw”, because he uses his snooker cue like a wand. Although I’m not homosexual at all, I do get a lot of enjoyment watching him polishing his wand – or cue – before the match, and get a real feeling of “satisfaction” when his little tongue pops out of his mouth when he concentrates. Oooh, he looks so serious.

Liang Wenbo comes from the far east. I’m not 100% sure from which country he hails, but I have myself visited Thailand on numerous occasions and always enjoyed it there. Although I do like John Higgins and his tongue, I feel I must side with Liang Wenbo for this match, otherwise my numerous Thai boy friends (please note the space there) will be upset with me.

Stuart Bingham -v- Stephen Hendry

Stuart’s got a nice little face hasn’t he? Cheeky. And Stephen. Well, I do like quiet boys. He seems ever so polite. I’m going to go for ‘Bingo’ Bingham here, and I bet any gay men in the audience will want to give him a big cuddle if he wins. I might even offer him a cuddle as well.

Graeme Dott -v- Joe Perry

I like Graeme’s voice. It’s masculine, like mine, and that always makes me feel warm inside. I don’t really know much about Joe Perry, except that he’s got that little dot of hair on his forehead. A bit like a lonely hamster in a desert. No, I like Graeme and so he will win.

Stephen Maguire -v- Luca Brecel

Oooh, now Luca really is a young man, isn’t he? A fine young man. I’ve never been to Belgium, but I do go to Holland quite a lot. I like watching Stephen Maguire when he’s angry. I imagine he’s quite a dominant man, or at least he could be if he wants to be. I think dominating Stephen Maguire will dominate little Luca Brecel, but I’d console the young loser and let him cry over my chocolate box. That will cheer him up.

Shaun Murphy -v- Jamie Jones

Shaun’s a good, nice boy. Jamie Jones. Jamie Jones. JJ. Jamie “JJ” Jones. That’s a name that sounds nice to say. I like the thought of Jamie Jones sliding off my tongue. Young Jamie Jones.

Stephen Lee -v- Andrew Higginson

Stephen’s a good sized chap. Andrew can look a bit glum sometimes I think, where’s I prefer watching happy young men bending over the baize. Mr Stephen Lee isn’t always the ungrumpiest chap, so it’s a bit of a hard one to choose here. Possibly the toughest draw of the round. I think Andrew would be best at ballet, so I’m going to use that as the tiebreaker and pick him. Sorry Stephen. Smile!

Ali Carter -v- Mark Davis

Men in uniform look so smart don’t you think? Oooh, and Ali can fly a plane. The captain. Captain Carter in his uniform. I thought about being a flight attendant once - I just love all the glamour - but the nice man who interviewed me said “You’re the first one I’ve seen who’s probably over qualified”. It was very nice of him to say it, but I don’t quite know what he meant as I’d never even been on a plane before! I can’t look beyond Captain Carter. 

Judd Trump -v- Dominic Dale

Two very smart young men. Dominic dresses ever so well and has a nice shiny cue to match his shiny smile. Judd drives such a nice car and owns a very expensive watch. I once had a man friend who left his watch on by mistake one evening and it slipped off when he was … no, that’s a story for another day. Judd has a lovely manner, but Dominic dresses so well that I am going to choose him.

The second half of my preview will come soon!!