Allow me to introduce myself. I am Alfred Homosexual. Before you ask I should inform you that it is, of course, not my real name!
I was christened “Ian Homosexual” but was mercilessly bullied at school because of it and so changed my name by deed poll when I was nineteen.
I am also not a homosexual! Oh no. I am a perfectly straight gentleman who enjoys watching young men play snooker. I do not play myself, but do enjoy frequenting local snooker clubs to watch the keen young men practicing.
I have decided to start my snooker blog with a preview of the World Championships. This will not be a smut-infested, disgusting style beloved by the so-called “Snoopies” on other websites on the internet, but a well-researched piece of work into the chances of the various individuals who will be bending over the Crucible snooker tables in the coming weeks.
John Higgins -v- Liang Wenbo
Mr Higgins is affectionately known as the “Wizard of Wishaw”, because he uses his snooker cue like a wand. Although I’m not homosexual at all, I do get a lot of enjoyment watching him polishing his wand – or cue – before the match, and get a real feeling of “satisfaction” when his little tongue pops out of his mouth when he concentrates. Oooh, he looks so serious.
Liang Wenbo comes from the far east. I’m not 100% sure from which country he hails, but I have myself visited Thailand on numerous occasions and always enjoyed it there. Although I do like John Higgins and his tongue, I feel I must side with Liang Wenbo for this match, otherwise my numerous Thai boy friends (please note the space there) will be upset with me.
Stuart Bingham -v- Stephen Hendry
Stuart’s got a nice little face hasn’t he? Cheeky. And Stephen. Well, I do like quiet boys. He seems ever so polite. I’m going to go for ‘Bingo’ Bingham here, and I bet any gay men in the audience will want to give him a big cuddle if he wins. I might even offer him a cuddle as well.
Graeme Dott -v- Joe Perry
I like Graeme’s voice. It’s masculine, like mine, and that always makes me feel warm inside. I don’t really know much about Joe Perry, except that he’s got that little dot of hair on his forehead. A bit like a lonely hamster in a desert. No, I like Graeme and so he will win.
Stephen Maguire -v- Luca Brecel
Oooh, now Luca really is a young man, isn’t he? A fine young man. I’ve never been to Belgium, but I do go to Holland quite a lot. I like watching Stephen Maguire when he’s angry. I imagine he’s quite a dominant man, or at least he could be if he wants to be. I think dominating Stephen Maguire will dominate little Luca Brecel, but I’d console the young loser and let him cry over my chocolate box. That will cheer him up.
Shaun Murphy -v- Jamie Jones
Shaun’s a good, nice boy. Jamie Jones. Jamie Jones. JJ. Jamie “JJ” Jones. That’s a name that sounds nice to say. I like the thought of Jamie Jones sliding off my tongue. Young Jamie Jones.
Stephen Lee -v- Andrew Higginson
Stephen’s a good sized chap. Andrew can look a bit glum sometimes I think, where’s I prefer watching happy young men bending over the baize. Mr Stephen Lee isn’t always the ungrumpiest chap, so it’s a bit of a hard one to choose here. Possibly the toughest draw of the round. I think Andrew would be best at ballet, so I’m going to use that as the tiebreaker and pick him. Sorry Stephen. Smile!
Ali Carter -v- Mark Davis
Men in uniform look so smart don’t you think? Oooh, and Ali can fly a plane. The captain. Captain Carter in his uniform. I thought about being a flight attendant once - I just love all the glamour - but the nice man who interviewed me said “You’re the first one I’ve seen who’s probably over qualified”. It was very nice of him to say it, but I don’t quite know what he meant as I’d never even been on a plane before! I can’t look beyond Captain Carter.
Judd Trump -v- Dominic Dale
Two very smart young men. Dominic dresses ever so well and has a nice shiny cue to match his shiny smile. Judd drives such a nice car and owns a very expensive watch. I once had a man friend who left his watch on by mistake one evening and it slipped off when he was … no, that’s a story for another day. Judd has a lovely manner, but Dominic dresses so well that I am going to choose him.
The second half of my preview will come soon!!